When I started grad school in late 2020, I had two “simple” goals: get the girl and do something entrepreneurial. I wanted to learn and grow and do impactful things during grad school so I could come out the other end ready to build a fulfilling life. The year 2022 was when everything was supposed to come together, but I screwed it all up instead.
I’m not a particularly superstitious person, but it seems I always break something during big changes. Usually, the physical things that shatter are minor or easily repaired. This time around, pieces of my car and another Toyota were strewn around the highway. Though the car accident was not my fault, there were many things that happened in the past year where I need to take responsibility.
Over the course of grad school, I lost my relationship with my girlfriend because I was jealous, insecure, and preoccupied with grad school. We failed to tackle our problems head on and I naively hoped they would resolve themselves. Instead of truth, I got lies. I made the painful decision to walk away from a 5-year relationship with my friend of 8 years.
As this relationship was slipping away, I doubled down on my secondary goal: to do something entrepreneurial. I sought new opportunities, I made new friends, and I pitched different ideas. This was simultaneously a pursuit of a passion and a distraction from my heartache. For the first time in many years, I was happy, but I knew that grad school was a tiny little bubble and not real life.
I tried to move forward with a new relationship, but I was lying to myself when I said I was “OK”. I regret not taking the time to properly heal, reflect, and grow. I am ashamed that I dragged more people into my mess and hurt them too.
I’m not sure exactly what point it was in the middle of 2022, but I cracked. Maybe it was the burnout from grad school. Maybe it was a quarter life crisis slightly delayed by the Pandemic. Maybe it was finally getting fed up with people trying to control me and feeling used. Instead of turning towards my existing support network, I shattered my old life and launched into the unknown.
I travelled. I cried. I laughed. I joined a robotics startup. I moved to a new city. I got my car fixed. I missed friends. I caught up on sleep. I second guessed everything. I learned. I started cleaning up my mess and I realized I have a lot of work to do. Most importantly, I kept going.
I’m not sure how all the pieces fit back together, but I’m optimistic for what the future holds.